On my first birthday as a single woman I see my ex pulling out of a bar, he said he quit drinking. Well, that ruined it for me, I broke down crying the rest of the night. I feel so ugly and unwanted now. I’m trying to feel worthy but it’s hard when I see him and know he divorced me and is bar hopping. The day he starts dating is gonna be really hard. My daughter says I should get over him he’s not worth my tears, but 16 years of my life I spent loving him. How do I just get over that? Me and my brother going out for my birthday
Friday is supposed to be my 16 year anniversary. How do I get through that?how so I go through the day while still longing for the man I lost. He believes I don’t love him, I do. Alcohol and drugs tore us apart. He doesn’t know if we will get together again. Does that mean I have hope? Does it mean I should hold on, waiting, holding my breath? I love him so. I miss him so. I long for his arms at night. I long to kiss him and tell him I love you. The pain is unbearable. Almost. The memories are tearing me apart. Almost. But does that sliver of hope give me hope? Almost. The unanswerable question to the unquestionable question of all my love, will he or won’t he? I just don’t know. Almost.
Today I start baking. Usually my husband is around but not this year. He divorced me one month before our 16 year anniversary. So, I’ll spend thanksgiving with my mom,dad and brothers and of course my babies. 13 year old Star,12 year old Wolf and 10 year old Cynjun. I’m so sad. Sad for me sad for them. They are young and don’t understand. I’m old and don’t understand. More later…….