Time

Moving on is hard, especially when it hurts. But then, life brings joy and pain, its up to us to make the most of it I guess. Today I saw my oldest bestest friend, she is wonderful and I love her. I miss her, it seems like just yesterday we met and the clique happened, It was just us, a connection that will last a lifetime. Through my move and through my divorce. Her support and love makes the struggle bearable.

Im spending time with my son this week, I miss my kids so much. My stupid x took them and the house. I wish I could’ve gotten an attorney. Never again will a man take complete control of my life the way he did.

I start school soon, so I know that will keep me busy, too busy to contemplate all my failures and letdowns over the last year. Knowing I will soon have to support myself gives me much motivation to concentrate and do well, on time and not leaving early. A whole new idea behind it this time, no goofin off as they say

Now they say time heals all wounds, but they neglect to talk about the scabs and the soreness of those wounds. Sometimes life pours a little salt onto those wounds and they hurt, hurt like hell. But you dont have to stand tall, but you gotta make a stand. And I will stand against my wounds, maybe not tall at first but I will stand. I gotta be good and clean out the gunk dont let anything fester, which is why I do this I guess. Just a little outlet. My friends dont even know about this place,m my secret place to vent and be ventilated I guess. Or to revive myself and be rejuvenated all with strangers to judge me, right or wrong, at least I have a quiet place to go

I dont really miss being married, at least to that man, that controlling, egotistical, secretive tyrant of a husband, who, while he never beat me, at least only a few times, I had no idea how much money we had, couldnt get the mail and was told I couldn’t have friends because i was bitchy, funny, Ive kept many friends, those he likes for many years. The ones I lost was over him being too controlling. They couldnt stand by and watch me fall away from my dreams and goals and personal pride in being my own person. Not a mold of what he wanted. Well, last year I broke that mold and started creating a Tiffany I could would will and am proud of.

Ive got Winston, you know him, my dog, to keep me company and warm on cold nights anyway, who needs a man? Well, except for the obvious reasons LOL!!!!

Man I wish I could see into the future, I have to admit Im a little scared. Scared of falling on my face. Failure. Freedom even. Im just scared. Im an adult, for the first time responsible for decisions that will and can surely alter my very existence. I just want to be smart, have lots of fun and I mean ALOT of fun. Im making new friends and want to enjoy myself, I am too, for the first time since I was just a kid. I still have my bored moments, but that’ll end once school starts.There i will meet many more friends as well. I am supposed to see an old friend tomorrow that I love, Craigster! The coolest guy I know right now!!!!!!!!

Picture of me and Leslie, my bestest friend and biggest supporter! I love you Lollie PopImage

My Birthday

On my first birthday as a single woman I see my ex pulling out of a bar, he said he quit drinking. Well, that ruined it for me, I broke down crying the rest of the night. I feel so ugly and unwanted now. I’m trying to feel worthy but it’s hard when I see him and know he divorced me and is bar hopping. The day he starts dating is gonna be really hard. My daughter says I should get over him he’s not worth my tears, but 16 years of my life I spent loving him. How do I just get over that? Me and my brother going out for my birthday

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16 years and now it’s all gone

Friday is supposed to be my 16 year anniversary. How do I get through that?how so I go through the day while still longing for the man I lost. He believes I don’t love him, I do. Alcohol and drugs tore us apart. He doesn’t know if we will get together again. Does that mean I have hope? Does it mean I should hold on, waiting, holding my breath? I love him so. I miss him so. I long for his arms at night. I long to kiss him and tell him I love you. The pain is unbearable. Almost. The memories are tearing me apart. Almost. But does that sliver of hope give me hope? Almost. The unanswerable question to the unquestionable question of all my love, will he or won’t he? I just don’t know. Almost.

First single thanksgiving

Today I start baking. Usually my husband is around but not this year. He divorced me one month before our 16 year anniversary. So, I’ll spend thanksgiving with my mom,dad and brothers and of course my babies. 13 year old Star,12 year old Wolf and 10 year old Cynjun. I’m so sad. Sad for me sad for them. They are young and don’t understand. I’m old and don’t understand. More later…….

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